OK, We'll Take the Rolling Stones But That Beckham Fellow Has To Go Back

Let me see if I'm understanding this. NFL Europe goes under because it's too complicated for the people who gave us Socrates, Da Vinci, and Neils Bohr to understand. Yet we don't hear a word from the cultural critics who brand Americans as backwater yahoos because we haven't embraced a mind numbing sport that could have been salvaged if only there had been one sober person in attendance who could have pointed out that the field is too long.
I refer of course to soccer, a celebration of non-productive inactivity rivaled only by the United States Congress.
Last night 27,000 people in California, 13,500 of them who came with their agents or publicists, attended the debut of the soccer equivalent of Babe Ruth. David Beckham has arrived and sports fans around the rest of the country have rolled over and gone back to sleep.
As well they should.
There hasn't been anything quite this embarrassing since the media went bonkers over Andy Warhol's prints of Campbell's Soup cans in 1968.
"The objective was just for him to be on the pitch and give the people the dessert they were looking for," Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho said.
Beckham's debut was more like a half eaten Oreo. But to hear the pundits and fans of soccer tell it, last night was creme brulee straight from the kitchens of Paris. For comedic effect you can't top the actual media coverage.
There were cheers each time Beckham touched the ball, the highlight being a corner kick he took in stoppage time.
You reach back in your mind for some corresponding thrill in American sports, but alas the closest we come is Stephon Marbury inbounding the ball after a basket.
Beckham's only physical contact was when Chelsea's Steve Sidwell attempted to tackle him.
"I saw him coming and I jumped just in time so my foot wasn't planted when he hit me," Beckham said.
And to think, we poor Americans have had to make due until now with Reggie Bush.
Beckham got off the bench in the 66th minute to warm up, exciting fans who had waited most of the game to see him. He jogged up and down the sidelines and a roar went up when Beckham tapped an out-of-bounds ball back to the referee, his first kick of the night.
Just as an aside, I was on hand at the historic moment when Wendell Ladner handed the ball back to the referee in 1972 at a Carolina Cougar game. Ah, memories.
He briefly ran off the field with the Galaxy's trainer before returning and peeling off his warmup shirt to reveal his favored long-sleeved jersey on a warm night when the other players wore short sleeves.
He said he went inside to use the bathroom and get his ankle re-taped.
"I didn't want to do it in front of the whole world," he said.
"I didn't want to do it in front of the whole world." Words that will echo through time with these of our greatest sports legends. Makes the whole Lou Gehrig "Today I am the luckiest man alive." bit seem somehow trivial, doesn't it.
Beckham displayed his famous fashion sense at a post-match news conference, appearing dapper in a blue-and-white shirt, buttoned navy cardigan and navy slacks.
This I take exception to. Beckham may be a clothes hound, but he's no J.J. BLEEP .
Beckham's wife Victoria, wearing her trademark huge black sunglasses, along with actress Katie Holmes and her infant daughter Suri, watched from a private box above the field. Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt was like a lot of spectators, attending her first soccer game.
Eva Longoria, minus new hubby Tony Parker, comedian Drew Carey, NBA star Kevin Garnett, movie producer Brian Grazer, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and English actors John Hurt and Ray Winstone also made what were likely their first trips to Carson, a downright gritty suburb compared to the stars' usual haunt of Beverly Hills.
Katie Holmes and Drew Carey? Guess the inevitable rumors will begin flying. Eva Longoria without Tony Parker, but Kevin Garnett was there? Hey, maybe this was a big event after all.
In typical soccer fashion, the game ended 1-0. And that, when all is said and done, is all you need to know. There will always be an England, occasionally there will be a Beckham, but there won't be any goals. You wouldn't want people to get overly excited. It's not like it was a BLEEP e Girls concert or something.